The Work Husband/Wife

They keep you company every time you go to refill your coffee mug, you escort them on cigarette breaks even though you don’t smoke, they find your copies on the printer and always walk them to your desk… it’s your work husband/wife. The “coworker” you will regularly spend 40 hours a week with. I once heard the subject discussed on a morning radio show while driving to work. It made me think of my then boss at the time. Her work husband was a guy in our department; both she and he were [in reality] married with kids, a dog, etc. At work however it was a different story. If you were a stranger just walking in, you would have thought the two of them were married, or dating, or something. They were always together. To the point where one couldn’t help speculate that maybe they really were having an affair. As soon as you saw one walk to the bathroom, or off to take a break, a minute later the other was sure to follow. Ok so not all of these “relationships” are to this extreme; but many people have formed them to some degree. How big of a deal is the work spouse? I wonder how the spouses of my former boss and the other guy in my department would answer this if they were flies on our office walls. I don’t know how I’d deal with this if my guy had a work wife. Can these relationships be innocent, the title not as threatening as it sounds?

Keeping The Lines Open: Tips For Talking

Recently, my husband I went on a marriage retreat in Charleston, SC that was sponsored by the Army especially for military couples and those couples who've experienced a deployment. There was a lot of good information that came out of the 2-day sessions which centered mostly around communication.

As we all know, communication is one of the most important factors to any relationship, especially a marriage. It is quite easy to think that although your partner may know you more intimately than anyone else, that they know exactly what you're thinking or what you mean even when you say nothing.

This retreat was mainly an attempt to combat those types of things before they happen. Especially since in a situation like mine, where my spouse is in the military and away from home a lot, communication is sometimes all you have and it's important to keep those lines as open and as clear as possible.

I wanted to share with you all a few tips that were shared during one of the sessions. Although this may seem quite elementary to some, to others this simple tips can really help in diffusing situations before they start and understanding ways in which effective marital communication happens.

Check out these tips --

1. Realize that no one “wins” an argument. If you don’t leave a discussion with a possible solution to the problem, then neither party has been successful.
2. Compromise is an essential tool to solving problems through communication. Before bringing up a problem, make sure you have thought of ways that you can help solve it by mutual compromise.
3. Try to be positive when bringing up sensitive marital problems. Instead of jumping right into a discussion, open by acknowledging that every partnership could be improved and you’d like to take some time and discuss the things that are working in your relationship and the areas that could use improvement. It helps to start by talking about positive things and then moving into the deeper discussion on problem areas.
4. Be a “reflective” listener and make sure you understand what your partner has said. “What I hear you saying is…” is a great way to make sure the proper message has been received.
5. Feel free to use the “time out” card if the discussion gets too intense. If an argument gets heated and irrational, it is better to postpone the discussion to a time and place where effective communication can happen.
6. Make sure your body language, facial expressions and vocal tone are in line with your message. One study showed that 55% of the emotional meaning of what you say is expressed by your facial expression. While only 7% of the emotional meaning is verbal.
7. Be honest, direct and focus on the real issue. If you enter a conversation insecure about making your point — you probably won’t make it.
8. If you can’t come up with a definitive solution, at least try to end the conversation on a positive note like “I think it’s good we’ve both shared our feelings and we’ll continue to talk about it and try to come up with a better solution.”
9. Don’t ever be rude or talk down to your partner in a discussion about your relationship. Don’t dismiss an idea or thought as absurd, but instead listen to your partner’s point and then react with the reasons you disagree in a respectful manner.
10. Stay on track. If you sit down to talk about a financial problem and suddenly other emotional issues are coming up, realize that you may need to focus on one area at a time in order to create solutions instead of mere bickering.
11. Recognize when you need outside help to communicate effectively. A counselor may help solve what seems to be an impossible communication problem

What do you think about these tips? What are some things that work in your relationship to help keep the lines of communication open?

Marriage is Ministry

Being a Wife in Ministry

What greater thing is there for two human souls than to feel they are joined for life - to strengthen each other in all labor, to rest on each other in all sorrow, to minister to each other in all pain, to be one with each other in silent, unspeakable moments in the last parting?

~George Elliot

When you hear the word "ministry", what do you think of? Does your mind go straight to church? What about your pastor? Or maybe the lovely clergy that sits in the pulpit with the pastor and first lady? Well, you are not wrong. But there are also other meanings behind ministry, similarities to the church, but talking about home ministries and what you do outside of the church. In your home and when you come in contact with the people you share this world with.

Here are some other meanings of "ministry"

Ministry as defined by Webster:

1. the act of ministering, or serving, ministration


2. that which serves as a means; agency


3. the building or buildings of such a department

Have you ever thought to yourself that your marriage is not just for you and your household? For example, when you have a severe car accident, but you walk away without a scratch. You cant keep that to yourself and your husband, you tell everyone that you can think of how your life has been saved and you have one more chance! Its the same with your marriage. What you go through good or bad, is just not just for the testament of the household, but to encourage and to strengthen others around you so they know that they are not alone. That's why I love this blog because I can not only encourage others but I am being encouraged as well

Proverbs 31:10-31 talks about the role of the wife. Now, somethings we as wives no longer do (not a negative), but what we do have to do now makes up for them. As I read the passage more and more I find myself realizing that this virtuous woman isn't just doing this for home, but to be a light unto others. Even what she does behind the scenes, shines so bright, that when her husband goes to work, the people can see the profits of marriage.

Being a wife in ministry is not easy. Either way you look at it your role is a role you must work at for the lifetime of your marriage. Whether you are the first lady of the church, a minister's wife, or a football coach's wife, your duty is one that must be shown in and out of the house. Even though it is a job of its own, it fulfills you in knowing that you are making your other whole happy!

I cant speak on being the first lady of a church but I can speak on being the first lady of my husband. As you all know, my husband is a football coach. As Spring football is approaching, the practices, team meetings, coaches meeting, etc. Not only does home have to be right, but the encounter with these boys families has to be right. Meaning, that no matter what happens you have to have the strength to endure. Its interesting because sometimes you don't realize what the effects of home can do when you are outside of the home. Our husbands encounter things on a daily basis, some we know of and some we are unaware of, but it is our duty to make sure that the FIRST LADY can take on the seen and the unseen.

As any ministry, you have your low moments. It can be from anything, but communication is key. As a first lady there are a lot of changes that may happen that we don't understand at the time, but in due time we will see. We are emotional human-beings so we must channel or emotions for the positive because sometimes when hubby comes home after a long day, our nagging isn't so positive...lol.

For example, I'm pregnant. That should say enough right there...lol. Emotions are going everywhere, stretching of the belly, backaches, cravings, nausea, etc. So you can never know what mood I am in...lol. I have been so used to having all of my husbands attention, that when I realized that Spring football and the season is vastly approaching, atenas went up. Guard was up, everything. It wasn't that I was worried, but I want my husband to myself. Then on top of that, the pressure of looking for a house was not helping either. My husband would come home, dinner would be ready the whole nine, but he could tell something was wrong. Instead of being open, I wouldn't say anything at all. But it didn't help anything. Nothing at home or at his job. He works with kids all day and then you never know how administration will act. Wifey wasn't making it any better. Finally one day, we had to talk. It was then I realized that my husband isn't going anywhere but that I cant be so spoiled right now. I mean, I still am cause he still spoils me :-) But this time in ministry is where I must have the guard, not towards my husband, but for my husband, to help him when it gets rough with ministry at work and even when things are going well, to still have that drive.

This is a franchise that we are building with our husbands and no it will not always be easy. But one thing that we can say is that our foundation is strong enough to hold and withstand anything! We are not only shining light when its convenient but even when the road is rocky, our testament has to be one of that IT CAN AND IT WILL WORK!!!!!

Marriage is Ministry, its work, its time, its love, its compassion, its going through the unknown, but trusting that the unknown will be with you lifelong whole. Your Husband!

A Tidbit of Wisdom...especially for women

ENJOY every phase of life!

As shared by my sister Dani, I recently won the title of Mrs. Maryland International 2010 and as I celebrate this victory I also reflect on the accomplishments I have had over the years. I think of the highs and lows that each phase of life has brought me and I'm thankful for every ounce of it.

As a child I loved coming home from school to watch Power Rangers, Tiny Toons and Saved by the Bell. It was great having my brothers and every kid in my neighborhood to ride bikes with and to build forts in the woods. During my junior high years I became very active. I was in All-County and Tri-County band (woohoo Clarinet!), president of the "Just Say No" Club, and other activities. During these years I started my period (sorry if that's TMI) and had my first crush...looking back it was just a very precious time in my life. Then on to high school where I had school dances, homecoming court, was class president, student government, drama club, poms squad, drivers license, first date, first kiss and too many other things to list. Next came college and I took advantage of going to a school with 45,000 + students on campus. I went to every event whether it was a black frat or white frat, the Asian Student Association or the Puerto Rican or the Caribbean, the Black Caucus or the Latino Caucus...just all of it. I partied like a rock star at times (I was at Penn State multi-time #1 party school in the nation), went to church regularly and milked every second of being away from home and in my own little college world. Oh yea! I did get a degree too! Post college I got my first job and was making money. I went on trips and girlfriend get-a-ways as the mood hit and I was slowly becoming a career woman. I then met my now husband and had an exciting, loving, cute, christian courtship with him. He was the answer to my prayers...not for a husband, but for a person that I can grow in God with. My wedding day was beautiful, peaceful and memorable. I purchased my first home, started a new job, and went on to become Mrs. Maryland International. Now I know I just listed all the good, but I have had my share of pains.

I've experienced a house fire, backstabbing and lies, growing up with a brother with intellectual disabilities (cerebral palsy), my grandmother and cousin's tragic deaths (you wouldn't believe how tragic), and so much more. But despite it all I can still say that God has been good and I won't complain!

I encourage each of you to take a moment to appreciate every phase of life. Appreciate the good, the bad and the little things you never took the time to be greatful for before. As the old saying goes, "Our experiences make us who we are today."

Take a few moments and share with us some of your triumphs. I believe that by sharing our testimonies we uplift and encourage others.

Finding Love

First came Valentine’s Day, soon will come spring… you know what that means, love is in the air! I love (yea, I’m using this word a lot today) how around this time of year the magazines are full of articles on finding love, keeping love, making love… I thought I’d add my two cents as someone who believes they are deeply in love. (Or at least falling deeply in love.)

So I’ve had my share of dates, of thinking I was in love, of heartache; and I’ve only grown wiser to what I want out of a relationship and to finding the true meaning of love. It seems that too many people are using movies and magazines as a guide to what love is. For starters, your definition of love can’t be determined by someone else’s. Second, some people think they are in love a few times before they figure out what love is to them, and guess what, that’s ok. The best place to find love is to start with you. Ok, maybe you’ve heard that before; but it’s true. Want to find love? Figure out what you want out of life. To find love you have to have something to offer. It’s not about what moves you can do in the bedroom or the fact that you prepare him his/her their favorite meal on a regular basis. When you are ok with who you are as a person and know what you want out of life, you have a better chance of finding a person who will gladly partner up with you.

MRS. MARYLAND INTERNATIONAL

Lets all wish our very own co-writer and most of all founder of this here blog ANGEL Congratulations on winning MRS. MARYLAND INTERNATIONAL and PEOPLE'S CHOICE!!!!!!! We love you ladybug and again Congrats!!!!!

Love Stories

Just like we all have a birth story, if you're married or in love, you definitely have a love story. It's the emotional recanting of the way you met, how you fell in love and lived happily ever after. It's the remembrance of the things that make you both smile, your first experiences together and those tender smiles shared between the two of you that only you both understand.

When I think of my love story, so many precious memories come flooding back. I can't help but to smile. Not because my story is all that special (although it is), but because it's mine. It belongs to just the two of us. But when I go to share that story with the world, words just don't seem like enough. Why? Well, my first inclination is to move.

By trade, I am a dancer. It's what I went to college for, it's what I'm passionate about, the one thing -- next to writing -- that makes my heartspace glow. It's second nature to me to accentuate that ways in which the body moves and mold it to tell a story. Any kind of story. A sad story, a happy one. Even a story of love. One of my favorite artistic representations of a love story is done by the Alvin Ailey Dance Company. They perform a modern dance piece titled 'Love Stories' that is so moving, it will create a whole new appreciation of what it means to show love. It's everything love ought to be -- funky, upbeat, tender and emotional. It's a perfect representation of an emotion that encompasses so many things.

Take a look at a snippet of the piece below and take a moment to recant your own love story while keeping in mind to treasure everything that makes your love, yours. This is simply beautiful. Enjoy.

Will you be my Valentine?

So Valentine's day is fast approaching and we are still in a recession. So what do you do for your perfect someone without breaking the bank? Here are a few ideas:



Hotels can be expensive especially the nicer ones. So if you want the hotel feel without spending the money just spruce up your own room. Fluff the pillows add some candles and flower petals and turn on some music. But if you are set on going to a hotel check out Internet deals and don't forget Hotwire or Priceline (name your own price). You can find some great hotels for a decent price.

Dinner doesn't have to be at a restaurant to be enjoyable. Pick out a restaurant or dish that you like and make it at home. It will be half the price. Turn off the lights and have a candle lit dinner. If things are going well at least you don't have to stop the fun to drive home. If you can't cook or don't want to look for restaurants that have prix fixe menus for valentines you can get a three course meal for two plus wine for a great price.

Gifts don't have to be something you buy. You could have a bubble bath all set up or get some massage oils and give a massage and once you're done make sure he returns the favor for all you hard work. You can also write a poem or something from the heart.

If you are someone who hates valentine's day try to find a cheap get away somewhere out of the states. Or just avoid the city or heavy populated areas. You could also get with a group of friends and spend the day together.

Whether you enjoy Valentine's day or not I hope that everyone has a safe and enjoyable day.

Shall We Dance?!?!?!

"Or, put it another way, and 'borrowed' from Pittman:

Why is that people get married? Because we need a witness to our lives. There's a billion on the planet. What does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything....The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, All of it...all the time...everyday. You're saying, your life will not go unnoticed because I notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed-because I will be your witness."

-Wife in the movie, Shall We Dance, 2004

I chose this quote for this blog, because it explains a lot of the separation that you will have to take as an individual who is starting your own family. It doesn't matter who sees what in the end, YOUR husband, YOUR FAMILY is what and who you live and walk for now.

I have always been a loner. Some people will read this and say, "no she wasn't!" But when you think about it, I was. Yes, I was in the choir, I sung in various groups, I was sociable when I needed to be (I'm shy), but honestly I will stay in the house rather than hang out. Not because I dislike people but because I can do with TV and soda :-) So my dance, was the solo liturgical dance.

There were 2 things I longed for. One I was blessed with in April 2009 and the other I realized I never actually needed until about a few weeks ago. Number one, was to be loved the way I love, sacrificial. (which we all know I have my husband!) Number two, to have the approval of my family. (I just realized that this is not needed)

I longed for that company dance group. The one when you go to rehearsal, practice, you are critiqued, and then you go home. But at the end you are a family. You can critique each other and not be harmed by it, you laugh cry and most of all, you dance together.

I am not bashing my family at all. I love them much, but they can all admit, Dani was the black sheep of the family. Not because I did wrong, but because I was different from the rest. I was and still am committed to church, music runs through my veins, and what my family may have found as having a good time was not always what I thought of having a good time was...lol. I loved the family gatherings, but hey what can I say, I'm just Dani and I can finally say that I am happy with that.

I always knew that once I was able to start my own dance company (family), that I would make sure that I do my best in not making my children or my husband feel any less of a person because they dance to a different beat. In December of this past year, something happened that tore my heart to pieces, and it was then I realized that when God moves you to start your own dance company, you cant bring your dance crew with you.

It was Christmas week. Me and the hubby were in DC visiting family and friends. We had a great time, but one night, Christmas night, was the night that something fell, but something better arose.

A certain member of my family has always had a strong hold on me. Whether this person realized it or not. This person could make me cry at a drop of a hat and make me think twice about whatever I was doing. Even if I knew God told me go forth, this person always questioned it and made a mockery out of it. I can honestly say that this person in my family never agreed with my marriage but this was honestly the first time I can say I did something and even talked to this person without a tear in saying what I was doing and I was not turning back on it. After the wedding I figured everything was okay because we actually talked more that I was away than when I was back in DC. Christmas Night, proved that some things just never change. This was the night that my husband was meeting more of my family (well the ones who didn't make the wedding). To make this long night short, everything in a nutshell, my husband was disrespected by this member of my family. Questions were asked that should not have been, things were said that should not have been said and body language said a lot. (I felt horrible!!!) And what made it worst, I said absolutely and did nothing because I am so used to the way this person acts and treats others and even myself. I numbed myself to this individual. And even still, I didn't protect my star dancer from the tabloids.

On the way back to Alabama, it was so hard for me. I think I cried every night before getting back to Alabama. I was so hurt. Not only because what happened, but I put my husband in that enviorment, and said absolutely nothing. I was hurt because he was hurt. (Its funny how one bad apple can spoil the bunch) I felt less of a person, less of a woman, and most of all a failure as a wife. It is my duty to protect the blessing God has giving me and I couldn't part my lips. It was then me and my husband talked. First, I needed to calm down because I have a child being formed inside me. So once I was calmed we talked and it was then revealed to me that my husband is my family now. This is a new franchise that we are building upon and not everyone from the prior team, dance company, group, crew we were with before can come because it can not only tear apart whats inside, and scars that have been healed from past falls and breaks will open back up because some people just don't see what you see. (we all know what happens when you reopen a wound, it takes longer to heal)

So, what fell, a relationship with a family member that was honestly unhealthy to begin with, and what was gained, a strong marriage, a strong franchise, a stronger dance company that is ready and has been ready to take on more falls, bumps and bruises that may come along the way.

Its hard especially when people are close with their mom and dads, uncle and aunts, and even friends and foes (yes I said foes...lol), but when you vow to be with this person forever, that is who you are with. Yes you marry into a family, but you are building a family from the ground up that honestly everyone, even family, just not may be able to go. The bright side of it, you have a family to instill, to love, to cherish, and most of all to nourish with all that God has placed on you and your spouse's heart.

So, Shall We Dance?..... WE SHALL CONTINUE TO DANCE!

Let's Go Red for Women!

As I have mentioned before, I am a "beauty queen"...really, I am the reigning Mrs. Prince George's County International 2010 for the state of Maryland. On Sunday, February 14th I will be competing for the title of Mrs. Maryland International with the hopes of continuing on to Mrs. International in July. (Keep your fingers crossed for me and if you care to help me in my fundraising efforts please visit my personal website.) I know many of you haven't heard of the International pageant system. It's not as popular as Miss America or Miss USA (Congratulations to Caressa Cameron, Miss VA 2009 and new Miss America by the way!), but it is a system that I'm proud to be a part of because of what it stands for. This pageant system believes in family, marriage, and women.

The importance of family and marriage is apparent in the way this system operates. In order to be selected for this pageant I had to answer this question in my application, "What is the greatest challenge facing married couples today?" You see, they recognize that the high divorce rate in the U.S. is a problem and they are in the business of lowering that number and want the proper representative to speak on this matter. Also, the women's husbands take part in the competition by escorting their wives in eveningwear. In other pageant systems the husband (or boyfriend) is forgotten or negelected in his significant other's shadow. Having my husband there is something I truly appreciate because he is my other half and he makes me shine just a little bit brighter! (Love you babe!)

This system is also on the forefront of women's heart health. They have an alliance with the American Heart Association's Go Red For Women campaign to, "fulfill the goal of brining awareness about the risks of heart disease...the number 1 killer of women in the United States today."

With all the "love" that is in the air during the month of February let's not forget about our heart health! This Friday, February 5th, 2010 is National Wear Red Day. Please show your support for the AHA and Go Red For Women by donating $5 and wearing red on the 5th. You can donate by clicking here.

I hope you all take this season of love as a time to practice heart healthy habits, to love your husbands, and to love yourselves!

Have a Happy Valentine's Day!