Sexpectations

There are many things you sit and talk about before you decide to marry someone. What your future goals are, how many children you want to have -- if any --, where you'll want to live -- you know, stuff like that. But, do people really sit down and talk about how much sex is going to be had? What expectations they have for how much physically intimacy they require. Probably not.

Before I continue, let me just say this. If you're married and reading this, you know what I'm talking about. I'm just taking a moment to be a little transparent if you will -- having a breathing discussion with myself that I hope you'll chime in on with your thoughts. Would you allow me that? Okay cool. Let's continue.

Right after you get married it's like you can't get enough of one another. Physically, emotionally -- you guys are just riding the newlywed high. I know my husband and I used to laugh at those couples who were intimate like once a month. In our early years of marriage, we couldn't fathom that. It was really humorous to us.

But now, almost four years into this thing I can totally see how something like that could slip away. It's easier than one might think. Especially when you throw other factors into the mix like careers, children, emotional and body issues... stuff like that. It's something you have to make a conscious effort to keep. I know I do. As a work at home mom of two ( sometimes three) and wife and all the other responsibilities I juggle, being sexy is sometimes the last thing on my mind. It's like on the checklist of stuff you want to have in your marriage you have to write on there 'make sure to keep it spicy'. What's really up with that?

Sex in a marriage is just as important as financial stability, communication and all that. In fact, it is a form of communication in itself. To take that piece from the puzzle would be to make a huge mistake in the life of your marriage.

Now before you think I'm totally random, this subject came to mind as I was having a discussion with a friend the other day. She said that if the sex somehow left her marriage, she wouldn't be able to stay with her husband. The love would still be there, but for her -- that is a vital element. She said if there was no sex in her marriage, she'd be more prone to cheat therefore it was no point in her staying married under those circumstances.

It got me to thinking if this is something that couples talk about before they get married. Like if there is really a discussion about the 'sexpectations' of it all. There should be. Absolutely. I realize sex is an organic thing. No one plans what time there are going to get busy. It happens when it happens, how it happens. But what happens when years down the marital road, what was happening weekly starts happening monthly, or not at all?

My husband and I both had sexpectations going into our marriage. It was a conversation we had. It was crucial to understand what it would take to meet each other 's needs in that way. Hmm...I don't know. Are we weird? Are we the only people who had that conversation?(Some of our friends say yes, lol).

Here's some questions I have though. I wonder what happens when these conversations aren't had. Is the expected frequency of sex something we internalize from watching too much television? Are we seeing these married couples who seem to get it on all the time in movies and on TV and begin to judge our own relationships based on that? How do you know whether or not you and your mate have "enough" sex in your relationship? I've contemplated asking my married friends but that would just be weird. But seriously, how do you gauge that? No you can't base one relationship off another but it's still very interesting to me to see.

I have my own answers to these questions that I wont get into here. But for sake of conversational debate, I'd love to know what you married folks think. If you've been married for one minute, one year or ten -- lemme know what you think about marital sexpectations.

From Essence.com

I just had to share this with everyone.

10 Practical Skills You Need to Have for a Successful Marriage

Babies....

After announcing our engagement there are certain questions that you expect to hear: When's the wedding, where's the wedding, what are your colors?... One question I wasn't prepared to answer moments after telling people we were engaged was "so when are you guys going to have a baby"? Never would I have thought that I would be asked about children so soon, maybe after the wedding but not before and by almost everyone. I admit I am guilty of asking my friends the same thing but I only ask jokingly and they all know that I am joking. I would have just thought that people would want you to enjoy your marriage and each other before having children. There are alot of things I want to do before children and I think we both still enjoying the freedom of not having to worry about a baby sitter. We see with our friends many times that being able to hangout with them often depends on the availability of a babysitter. We are still loving the spontaneity of life.
Marriage was a big enough step for me. The thought of being a mom is still a little overwhelming. Now that we have been married for over a year the question still comes up but not as often as you may think. We were asked more doing our first year and engagement then now. We have talked about having children and often times say yes we want children lets have a baby, but then we come back to maybe we should wait a little longer. And I think that right now that is best for us. The longer we wait the more I realize how big of a step its going to be and I want to make sure a few things are in place in our lives before having a child. I don't think that I can set a definite time frame for when we will have children, and I know that things will never be perfect or exact but we are open to the idea whenever it happens. Right now I am enjoying being with my hubby and not having the pressure of everyone asking when we will have a baby. I am content with watching or visitng other people's children because at the end of the day ithey will go back to their parents :).

Time for a moment of transparency...

Sometimes my mind wanders and I think, "If I were single right now I would be..." Though the majority of the time I am a happily married woman, there is still that minority of the time that I am not. Furthermore, there's still that part of me that would love to have my downtown condo decorated urban chic and painted pink. Or that would love to spend a year or two living in Europe...just living fabulous! I have finally learned not to feel guilty in having these feelings (this blog has been quite therapeutic for me) and afterall...they are MY feelings. What's sometimes sad about feeling this way is the thought that maybe this feeling will NEVER go away. Will I wake up one morning with regret?! That's my biggest fear.

*** Now let me take a moment to acknowledge that my husband is loving, supportive and is a good man. He's a great catch and I appreciate him and know that he was God-sent just for me! ...I'm just being transparent for a moment. ***

Moving on... I can always picture exactly what I would be doing right now IF I were single. WOW, You know what's funny? Even as I typed that statement I got a reminder in my spirit that as a christian my EVERY step is ordered by God and though I claim that I know what I would be doing right now he has already ordered what I am to do. Perhaps if I were disobedient to the will of God for my life I would be in a place that I never saw my life path going in. When I really think about it, I did pray to God for this man and God did see fit to grant me with the desire of my heart. I thank God for that revelation.

To my single ladies out there: enjoy, appreciate, and grow into the woman that God has called for you to be...especially in this time that you have to focus on just you. Pursue your dreams and make the desires of your heart a reality!

To my married sisters that may feel the way I do: let's remember that we are not alone and that our every step is ordered by God, so let's make it our goal to walk in the purpose he has called us to daily, for our husbands, our children, and ourselves!

Lastly, I leave you all with one of my favorite scriptures; Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) - "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

White Women Are Not The Enemy

In a past blog I discussed how black women should start to consider dating outside of their race. Just to recap (briefly of course), there was a lot of talk around the subject “why black women stay single for so long”. The theory behind it was that they cannot find their equals – the numbers are too disproportioned. The number of college educated black women far exceed the number of college educated black men, more black women have higher paying jobs than black men, black men make up the majority of prisons… the stats could go on and on. So if you remember, I thought that one answer to this was that they (black women – but this goes for all women) should expand the playing field. Other people date outside their race, why not black women? The possibility of finding love and happiness can’t be limited to just the “brown packages”. Live life and open up the yellow and red and purple ones too.

Ok, so now that we’re caught up; it brings me to my reasoning behind this entry. Last night I watched a play by Je’Caryous Johnson titled, “Cheaper to Keep Her”. (Oh I just have to do a quick plug, lol: This play has an all star cast and was hilarious! I knew absolutely nothing about the play, who was acting in it, what it was about, nada, and boy was I pleasantly surprised!) Ok I’m back. So as I was saying, last night I went to see this play and there was a certain aspect that interested me. I will try not to spoil it by telling the whole story. There was a character who played the cliché white woman who only dates black men and tries to school the sistahs on why she can get ‘em and they can’t. So of course on the other hand there had to be the cliché black woman with a whole lot of attitude and a deep rooted hate for all white women who don’t “stick to their own color”. During the confrontations between these two walking clichés the audience (of mostly black middle-aged women) hooted, cackled, snapped their fingers and rolled everything from their eyes and necks to whatever else can roll in agreement with anything the white-girl-hating sistah had to say.

As funny as it was in the play, it got me to thinking; why do these women care so much about a white woman coming in and dating a black woman’s D-O-G of a man? Besides the fact that it shouldn’t matter that people cross the color lines; why all the “she stole my man” and the “stick to her own race” when we shouldn’t be with the loser guys anyway? Your man isn’t a hot car stereo left unattended in the projects. He can’t be “stolen”. If all this talk is going around about how there are too few black men (note I didn’t say there weren’t any) then why do people get worked up when a white girl starts dating one of the ones who you usually don’t really want anyway?

By no means am I throwing out black men with yesterday’s trash. I have two brothers who are going to make wonderful husbands. I have me an amazing black man myself. And I am also not leaving white women who do date black men to only pick amongst the scrubs and cheaters we don’t want. I am simply saying do away with the color boundaries. Not just with who we date, but with who our men date too. Why fight with a woman over a man who cheated on you by his own doing, just because she’s white? Now, if white women start holding black men at gun point and forcing them to run off with them. Then maybe we have a problem, lol.

Promises- Are you a Woman of your Word?

I didn't marry you because you were perfect. I didn't even marry you because I loved you. I married you because you gave me a promise. That promise made up for your faults. And the promise I gave you made up for mine. Two imperfect people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage. And when our children were growing up, it wasn't a house that protected them; and it wasn't our love that protected them - it was that promise.

~Thornton Wilder

Promise:

1 a : a declaration that one will do or refrain from doing something specified b : a legally binding declaration that gives the person to whom it is made a right to expect or to claim the performance or forbearance of a specified act

2 : reason to expect something ; especially : ground for expectation of success, improvement, or excellence

3 : something that is promised

When I think of a promise as it relates to marriage, I think of the vows that we take on our wedding day....

I, (name), take you (name), to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.

Or maybe like this....

I, (name), take you, (name), to be my [opt: lawfully wedded] (husband/wife), my constant friend, my faithful partner and my love from this day forward. In the presence of God, our family and friends, I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful partner in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and in joy as well as in sorrow. I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honor and respect you, to laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live.

Even if you wrote your own vows....they were on the lines of this and you made a promise that for the rest of your life, you would honor and cherish these vows.

As we all know, statistics say that 50% of marriages will end in divorce within the first year of marriage. 50%!!!! I don't know about you, but for me being a newlywed, this was of a shock to me. But then I thought to myself, where did they go wrong, or did they go wrong? Who was to blame or are they both to blame? Do they have children? What about the children? How is this going to affect them in the long run?

I cant say what goes on in another marriage but I can speak of behalf of a marriage. Just within the first 8 months of being married, there have been times where me and my husband could not keep our hands off each other, always wanted to be around each other. Then, there were those times we could not stand one another, whether it was over something petty or there was a misunderstanding when we communicated with one another. Even sometimes, we weren't on the same page with something. But we talked it out, we worked it out, because we know that without each other its impossible to do the work of God and not only that but we made a promise, we made a vow. Even before we stood before family and friends, there were things we talked about and promised each other that we would do for one another.

It troubles me that we as a people, cant seem to stick to our promises/vows. I often think, maybe they got married for the wrong reason, maybe they had a baby before marriage and thought that getting married was the right thing to do? Who knows what the reasoning behind a divorce, but I do know this, somewhere along the line, they gave up.

Sometimes I get the notion that some believe that getting married actually makes things easier, for somethings they will, but what is easy at one point will be hard at another. That goes for everything. Every Summer has its Winter and every Spring has its Fall. The question is are you willing to endure? Nothing, I mean absolutely nothing is giving to us on a silver platter we have to work to make things successful. That is why us as WOMEN have to take a stand to make sure that when we are in our "winter" and "fall" seasons that we will do everything in us to make it to get to our " Spring" and "Summer" seasons. We made a promise before man, but most importantly, we made a promise before God letting Him know that this blessing that he has trusted us with, we will take care of. Vicki Winans says in her song rainbow. "He'll take your Winter, turn it to Spring, Summer will fall, Fall into place" The storm will always pass over!

I also notice that when people speak of divorces or of their divorce, they never say what "they" were responsible for in entertaining the downfall. We all make mistakes and we all tend to do things that we may not meant to have done, but guess what, we did it. At time, its something we can get over in 5 minutes, at other times, it may take a little longer. But one mistake does not make the answer for divorce. (not in my opinion anyway)

Children, where do they come into play? I am not 21 weeks pregnant and I am a product of broken family. I do not regret they individual that I am continue to blossom into, but I will say that it would have helped a lot to have Ma and Pa in the house. I have seen where a spilt between parents have affected a child to the point where their studies were affected and life decisions that could have been positive turned negative. All because of the root of a broken home. I can say for myself, I allowed myself to be taken advantaged of, talked down to by boyfriends and even family members or non family members. The reason, I didn't know what it was like to be loved by a man unconditionally so I looked for it, what I saw as an imperfection, was always imperfect. Then if my boyfriend or a family member agreed and said the same thing, it send me to the pits and I found myself not to pretty or would never be successful. But it wasn't until I found my first love Christ, that I knew my imperfections is what makes me perfect for the one I am to be with for the rest of my life! I to find it within myself to love myself and let God filled that void that was missing in my life.

We as humans tend to act on impulse and not realize who and what our broken promises/vows can effect. If you have children, we not only have the promise that we made to our spouses, but to our children now. Love is needed in the home of both Mom and Dad.

So for us 21st Century women, we are beautiful, we are independent, we are queens! Guess what, we are our husbands wives, We are his beauty and we are his dependant (just as he ours), and most of all WE ARE HIS QUEENS! Lets us remember the PROMISES and VOWS that we made and keep them to turn this statistic around. Show the world that it can work! Lets be the Women God called us to be and lets KEEP OUR PROMISES!!!!!!!

"We're gonna make it, not matter what the test whatever come ours way, We're gonna make it. With Jesus on our side, things will work out fine! WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT!!!!!!"